Breaking Habits
by Sonya Omun
Summary: As their time together draws on, Ritsuka becomes increasingly able to see through Soubi's smokescreens. One-shot.


(...)  
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn  
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,  
And makes us rather bear those ills we have  
Than fly to others that we know not of?

_– Hamlet_

**BREAKING HABITS **

It took quite some time for Ritsuka's sleeping mind to realize that knocking sound was not part of some dream. Awareness slowly trickling into his foggy mind, Ritsuka dragged open stinging eyes. The red letters of his alarm clock that glared through the dark were too bright for him. He pulled the covers over his face with a groan, still seeing the coloured outlines on the inside of his eyelids, telling him it had just passed three in the morning. Why had he woken up?

More knocking on his window answered that question. Unwillingly abandoning the warmth of his bed, Ritsuka trudged over to the window to move aside the curtain, and reveal the outline of the one he expected, even when coming unexpected. The dark of the surrounding night did not seem to touch Soubi's skin, a luminescent alabaster in the light of a sharp sickle moon.

'I came to see you, Ritsuka.' No smile accompanied the murmured declaration, the blond's face unreadable. Ritsuka groggily frowned up at Soubi, stepping aside with a vague nod to let the Fighter into his room, while his slow brain still struggled to grasp being awake.

Soubi was already sinking to the floor, settling with his back against the wall in the far corner as Ritsuka turned back from locking the sliding door. Ritsuka scrunched up his nose, but refrained from commenting as Soubi produced a packet of cigarettes from the pocket of the plumb coloured coat he still donned. Awkwardly standing in the middle of his bedroom, Ritsuka waited for the Fighter to speak.

For his part, Soubi seemed to have no intention of saying anything. Lighting a cigarette with a practised flick of his thumb and hollowing of his cheeks, the blond started smoking with his eyes on the floor.

'What are you doing here, Soubi?' Cringing at how accusing his own voice sounded, Ritsuka added: 'What happened? Why are you here so late?'

Soubi's cigarette paused on the way to his mouth.

'I came to see you,' he repeated without emotion before taking another sharp drag of smoke. Like Ritsuka, Soubi spoke softly, ensuring not to rouse Ritsuka's mother in the dead of night.

Sleep was slowly receding from Ritsuka's mind, being replaced instead by aggravation. More and more smoke wafted towards his face, offending his senses, and he flapped an agitated hand through the air to clear it.

'You already said that,' he choked out while suppressing a cough, eyes burning.

Looking up, Soubi exhaled a lung full of smoke in Ritsuka's direction, face passive. 'It's the truth. I thought Ritsuka wanted me to tell the truth.'

'Soubi!' Ritsuka hissed, taking a step back from the acrid-smelling cloud billowing towards him with the back of his hand pressed to his nose, 'You can't just come barging in here in the middle of the night while I have school tomorrow just because you feel like it! What's wrong with you?!'

Soubi became completely still, the only movement coming from the sliver of smoke rising steadily from the cigarette between his fingers. The calm, measured words slipped from Soubi's mouth accompanied by puffs of smoke. 'Do I bother you?'

With a huff and a bristling tail, Ritsuka threw up his hands. 'What bothers me is that you never give me a straight answer! You're always so weird and you never- Soubi, put that thing out!' Ritsuka interrupted himself as Soubi brought up his cigarette again.

The emptiness in the eyes that Soubi turned up towards him would haunt Ritsuka for a some time. It took Soubi a long moment before he replied. 'As you wish.'

With a deliberate movement, he stubbed out the glowing tip of his cigarette on Ritsuka's carpeted floor. The brief, ominous hiss as it burned a hole in the material was clearly audible in the laden silence. Jaw dropping, Ritsuka turned scarlet.

'_Soubi!_' Ritsuka didn't have time to be embarrassed about his whispering voice cracking on the name as he struggled to keep from shouting, '_What are you doing?'_

As Ritsuka darted forward, intent on inspecting the damage, Soubi's whole body jerked. He veered up, head snapping up to lock gazes with Ritsuka, and his upper body leaning away from the wall in obvious anticipation. The stormy intensity shimmering in the Fighter's eyes amidst his unreadable expression made Ritsuka freeze. 'S-Soubi?'

'Aren't you mad at me?' Soubi's low voice was a feverish whisper, his breath rapid, 'Haven't I displeased you?'

Abruptly shifting to his knees, Soubi grasped Ritsuka's wrists, long arms easily bridging the space between them. The teen yelped, attempting to pull back, but Soubi's grip was unrelenting.

'I have done wrong,' Soubi face was a tight mask, skin colourless in the room's gloomy light. 'Punish me, Ritsuka.'

Ritsuka mutely shook his head, the severity on Soubi's face as he urged his Sacrifice leaving him voiceless.

Looking stricken, Soubi tightened his hold, forcing Ritsuka's hands to the bandages around his throat. Ritsuka sputtered in alarm as he felt his fingers being pressed into the blond's windpipe.

'Stop it, Soubi!' Ritsuka squeaked in horror, blanching while trying to tug his hands from the superior grip. Soubi's eyes never left Ritsuka's, and the teen felt a sob bubble in his throat as he stared at the anguish that tunnelled down into the Fighter's soul through those beseeching eyes.

The hold on Ritsuka's wrists tightened to the point of bruising, Soubi forcibly crushing the teen's hands against his throat. His lips barely moved as he desperately pleaded at a whisper, '_Hurt me!_'

'NO!' Soubi's hands instantly relinquished their grasp as Ritsuka cried out the word. With his eyes squeezed shut against the moisture that threatened to spill from them, Ritsuka tore back, upset and breathing hard.

Neither moved. Ritsuka stood cradling his wrists, intently listening for any sound he might hear of his mother approaching over the rushing of blood in his ears. When no signs came that they had been heard, Ritsuka forced himself to take an unsteady breath to calm the flurry of his heartbeat. He wiped his sweat-stained palms on his pyjama bottoms, trying to rid himself of the phantom feeling of tendon and bone pressing against his hands through bandage-covered skin. All the while, Soubi did not move, his face shielded by his hair as he kept his head dipped low.

Why? Why would Soubi want him to do such a horrible thing?! Staring at the blond with wide, fearful eyes, Ritsuka was suddenly reminded of something Katsuko-sensei had once told him.

'Sometimes people prefer to face a bad thing they already know, rather than face the uncertainty of finding out if something new will turn out good or bad for them. We people are creatures of habit, Ritsuka. We take comfort from things that are familiar.'

Familiar was one thing, but Soubi couldn't really find comfort in- in _this_? Surely no one could find pain comforting. Whatever Soubi thought of it, Ritsuka couldn't do it. He just couldn't hurt another. With a sinking feeling, Ritsuka wondered what would happen if he could never be that punishing Sacrifice Soubi seemed to want him to be.

Again Katsuko-sensei's voice sounded in the back of his mind. 'Learning a new way of thinking is like trekking through thick jungle to get somewhere you've never been before. The first time, you have to force your way through the thicket, but if you keep coming back, things will get easier as a path is created. Do you understand, Ritsuka? People have to learn to trust new things, and then it will get easier. One small step at a time.'

After expelling the last of his shakiness with a deep breath, Ritsuka determinedly stepped forward, pointing towards the bed with a finger that wasn't as steady as he wanted it to be. 'Lay down on the bed.'

Ritsuka's tail was unnaturally straight and still behind him as he said it, the teen trying hard to put every ounce of authority he might possess into the words. He wasn't used to this. He felt so small, so... _useless_ when he was in the presence of tall, smiling, composed Soubi.

But Soubi wasn't as phlegmatic as he often appeared. Ritsuka could _feel_ the tumultuous energy that thrummed somewhere just below the surface in the stoic blond. Soubi needed something from him tonight, even if that was something Ritsuka wasn't used to giving. And maybe, one small step at a time, Soubi and Ritsuka would be able to make their way through the thicket of being Fighter and Sacrifice, to make a new, better path.

It took a few moment for Soubi to raise his eyes, glancing up at Ritsuka who still stood pointing. With a nod that was nearly imperceptible, Soubi pulled himself to his feet, moving to lower himself onto his back on the bed.

'Relax...' Ritsuka murmured when he he neared the edge of the bed himself, noticing how rigid Soubi's body lay atop the sheets. While Soubi obeyed, his muscles noticeably loosening, his expression bespoke no relaxation whatsoever. Pale blue eyes remained trained on a spot on the ceiling, the Fighter unmoving as he waited for what his Sacrifice wished to do. Ritsuka didn't know what Soubi was expecting, but he had the distinct impression he wouldn't like whatever was on the blond's mind.

Warmth started steadily flaring through Ritsuka's cheeks in tandem with his heartbeat as he crawled onto the bed as well, sitting on his knees besides Soubi. 'N-Now, you have to do whatever I say, okay, Soubi?'

'Understood,' Soubi's soft-spoken voice was nearly a whisper.

Unsure of himself, more than a little awkward, Ritsuka laid down on the mattress besides Soubi. Scooting close, he nestled against the blond's side, resting his cheek on Soubi's shoulder. Beneath him, he could feel Soubi's body go instantly tense again.

It was impossible for Ritsuka not to stammer at least once on his next words. 'I w-want you to hold me, Soubi.'

Long hairs rustled against Ritsuka's pillow, Soubi raising his head fractionally in an attempt to catch sight of his Sacrifice's expression. 'Ritsuka...?' Soubi's voice sounded weak.

Pressing his face more firmly into Soubi's shoulder, a mass of black hair covering most of his face to hide the blush that was growing ever more fierce, Ritsuka pouted. 'You said you were going to do whatever I say. So no questions, Soubi!'

In response, long arms very gingerly enveloped him, Soubi shifting to cradle Ritsuka to his chest. The Fighter's body was warm, and while the lanky Soubi was all skin and bones, Ritsuka was perfectly comfortable with his face nestled against the other. He lightly swung his smaller arm over Soubi's chest in turn, resting his hand over the blond's heart. Even with that tranquil moment, he could feel Soubi's heart hammering an anxious rhythm against his palm.

'Soubi?'

'Yes, Ritsuka?' The teen wasn't sure why Soubi's voice sounded hoarse.

'Take a deep breath,' Ritsuka said softly, not lifting his cheek from Soubi's warmth. He could feel Soubi's chest expand, drawing in a slow breath before stilling. Ritsuka mimicked the action, taking a deep breath and releasing it after a second or two while saying: 'And breathe out.'

A controlled sigh obediently followed his words, Ritsuka's Soubi-pillow sinking again as he exhaled. Soubi's arms around him readjusted, holding him a little closer, which Ritsuka decided to take as a good sign. He wasn't sure how long they simply stayed there like that. On its own accord, Ritsuka's hand started moving to and fro on Soubi's chest, slowly caressing the hastened cadence of Soubi's heart to a steady pace.

''Mtired...' Even the effort of moving his lips to form the slurred words was beginning to feel like too much for the fatigued Ritsuka.

'I understand,' was all Soubi said, and at once, Ritsuka's comfortably warm plateau began to pull away.

'No!' The teen whined, weakly fisting Soubi's shirt where his hand still rested on the blond's chest. He missed Soubi's arms around him already, the icy fingers of chill tugging at him instead. 'Stay. That's an order.'

Soubi stilled again underneath him, and there was a pregnant pause.

Cat ears flopping back against his hair at a sudden thought, Ritsuka cringed. Without raising his head, he tipped up his chin to glance up at Soubi's face. 'U-Unless you don't want to, of course...'

'I...' Soubi was the first to look away, visibly ashamed, 'don't deserve to. Ritsuka, your carpet... I...'

'Shut up.' This time, there was a definite finality to Ritsuka's voice, tired though it may be, and Soubi promptly silenced. Decisively, Ritsuka took Soubi's arm and draped it around himself, greedily snuggling into the other's warmth like the cat boy he was.

'You're staying and letting me comfort you tonight,' Ritsuka said firmly, again resting his head on Soubi's chest. Belatedly, he added: 'A-And that's also an order!'

Ritsuka didn't do anything when Soubi's arms around him tightened. He didn't know what to ask, what to say - feeling he had no words he could offer to comfort the mysterious adult. As he let slip shut his eyes, Ritsuka could feel Soubi's chest beneath his cheek heat up, the Fighter's calmed intakes of air growing more shuddering.

This was all Ritsuka could do: be there on those rare times when Soubi – in his own, stupid, _Soubi_ way – let Ritsuka know he needed him. Ritsuka never told anyone, not even the blond himself, that he knew Soubi cried that night in gratitude for that fact.

**FIN**

Author's Note: Thank you very much for your time! Comments are always greatly appreciated. With special thanks to my girlfriend Ishkhanuhi – my beta-ing beloved. :)


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